Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
