On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize