Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
