mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
