so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
