Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
