I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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