Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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