why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
