apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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