I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
