And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
