just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
