im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
