I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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