is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
