What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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