youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize