george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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