you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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