I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
