peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
