Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Alive.
So much puke
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize