I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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