She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
