she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
