He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
