i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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