i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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