I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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