The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
