I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
