ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
