great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
farters have to be the big spoon...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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