one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I am naked and annoyed.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
