The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
