so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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