Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize