my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
