A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
