can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
