mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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