here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
