If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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