Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
