i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
There r osticjed everywhere
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
