Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Randomize
