my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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