fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
