Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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