finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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