respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
