then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
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