foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
