I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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