I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
